Thursday, April 7, 2011

What kind of story have we got ourselves into?

I apologize in advance. I think blogging is generally selfish...but in this instance I hope that we can have some dialogue about parenting. So it's not for me.(Please write some, community, community)

If we are going to talk about parenting then we have to talk about kids. And if we're going to talk about kids then we have to talk about the reasons why we have kids. An author I was just reading said that we have lost sufficient reasons in our society for having kids. And we have lost reasons for not having kids as well--which puts us in a pretty precarious place if he's right.

 Please allow a brief digression into philosophy. (I know, I just about ensured no one will read the whole post...I dare you to...) There are at least 2 kinds of reasons for doing something: explanations and justifications. A quick example illustrates: Lancelot organizes a movement to save the Rainforest because he thinks Guinevere loves the rainforest and he will earn her love by doing so. So the explanation for what he does is that he wants to win her love. But as it turns out, she couldn't care less about the rainforest. So he is wrong, and thus has no justification. Now of course we know saving the rainforest is a good thing (for the sake of argument) and so he is justified anyway even though that reason (saving the rainforest is the right thing to do) doesn't explain why he did it.

Now to parents: do we have good justification, as Christians, for having kids? Things like: "I've always wanted to", "I don't want to be lonely", "I just love kids," are explanations but not justifications. Christianly speaking, even reasons like: "I want to keep my family legacy going" are a bit of a stretch since they're a bit self-centered, aren't they? How about: "The birth control didn't work". Ha, we've been there. (Clearly and explanation, not a justification.) Luckily, God has bigger plans for our kids than we do.

What if our justification for having kids lies more in our desire to tell them the Christian story? What if we see our children as receivers of a great tradition that witnesses to the truth of Jesus Christ and God's loving, creative action in the world? Of course that challenges how we see ourselves, but if you have kids and they haven't made you question yourself then you're way further along the journey than I am!

So if our kids are to be receivers of this beautiful gift, how are they going to get it? How does that impact our parenting decisions? If I had all the answers I'd write a book, not a blog, but I can reflect on my own situation...

It is important for us that Natalie and Jonah begin to see the bigger picture early. They, as we, are part of the larger story of creation, sin and redemption that began in Genesis. The Scriptures are not just to be read, they are to be acted out, generation after generation. We want our kids to see us doing that, and join us in it.

That's why Allison stays home right now. As a sole income-getter, I only make enough to get us on the 'free & reduced lunch' list at the public school. But our ability to spend time teaching and modeling Scripture for the kids is more important than our financial comfort. And spending time in community with others is an important witness to teach them that we depend on each other in the church--individualism is a huge scam (it is learned in community, I mean come on). So we try to practice hospitality to everyone. We learn more by sacrifice than we do in our illusions of safety.

There truly is nothing new under the sun. But we don't need new things--we have a long tradition to continue acting out in our lives. And that's way more exciting and fun than the modern idea, which is: "To each his own".It's why we answer questions with: "That might be good enough for other kids, but not for you. We're Christians. That's why Christmas is about giving. That's why it doesn't matter if you have new fashions or cool shoes and it's ok for people to think it's weird that you pray during share time and don't know what Nickelodeon is and you've never seen Hannah Montana except on backpacks at school. That's why we forgive each other and try to love the mean kids at school even if it's hard. It's who we are."

Why do Christians have kids? How does that impact how we raise them? How do we combat the individualism that has been a staple of our societies for 300 years? How hard is it to juggle the Christian way amid all the competing truth claims we hear?
Keep seeking in peace, hope and love,


  1. Hi Dave - I'm right with you and long to raise kids who see life from a kingdom view and not a selfish one. Obviously the best way for them to "get it" is to see it in their parents - not just Sunday school, etc. They can handle more than we think they can as far as what we talk about with them. They are not an afterthought because they are little! The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. This is a passion of mine too and I am thankful you are leading our little ones and their parents Sundays! I hope I can be helpful and encouraging to you in that! Jaymi

  2. Wow! I can honestly say that I had kids because it was the next step and I always wanted a family. It seems like when you are dating peoople ask: "when are you getting married". When you get married you are immediately asked "When are you having kids". When you have a kid, you are asked "When is the next one coming."

    As soon as I had kids I became more concerned with sharing Jesus with them. I want my children to know who they are in Christ. I want them to be so firmily planted in Christ that when situations arise, they can shine His light and do what is right. I know that seeing Kevin and I do the same is the number one way to do this. I desire to live by the shema---good name for this sight, by the way.

    As I was listening to a talk show one day I heard a guy talking about how he raised his kids. He wanted to do everything right and raise good Christian kids. He homeschooled them thinking this would keep them from being tainted. He said everytime he went to a conference he came home with something new to try with his family. He was very suprised when his son wanted to venture from the way he was trying to teach him. He started to reflect on what went wrong. He discovered he was too busy focusing on the "things" he could do to raise them right, and necglected to build a true relationship with him. That really struck me that day.
    It's the relationship we have with our kids that really counts. Just like the relationship we have with Jesus is what really matters!!!

  3. Just reading those 2 comments it seems like one of the challenges of parenting is developing the right kind of parent-child relationship. On the one hand, we need to have the authority and we need to be the example, and on the other hand we need to have a real, open relationship with our kids.

    What a beautiful gift kids are!

  4. I kid was a result of failed birth control. We were never planning on having children b/c I couldn't fathom bringing another person into the world who me. But, he's here, and I really like him. :-) The bad news is that I have no idea what I'm doing as a parent...and I'm tired. I just pray that he turns out "ok". It's an adventure.