tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31733105347180847102024-03-13T16:48:53.367-07:00Living The Shema (an Adventure)DPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-11455127427804334152012-12-03T18:17:00.000-08:002012-12-03T18:17:01.982-08:00Steal, Repackage, GiveI read a quote the other day in a psychology book attributed to Buddhist monks. I plan rip it out of context, reposition it into a Christian context, and then explain how it makes sense of my life up to this point.<br />
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"Act always as if the future of the universe depended on what you did, while laughing at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference."<br />
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They certainly nailed it. On the one hand, if we don't think what we do matters, it is easy to either fall into a dark depression or live a life of aimless hedonism. (In which case you need to read Kierkegaard to help make sense of your life.) On the other hand, if we assume that EVERYTHING we do matters to the utmost we will quickly become self-righteous, self-absorbed or both. Or we will be frozen like Buridan's Ass (aka donkey) who doesn't do anything because there is no rational reason to choose between two equal goods. <br />
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A few years ago, for example, I came across <i>The Better World Handbook </i>and adopted many of its concepts as a new way to live as a responsible Christian disciple. (Weird, I know.) It had practical tips on how not to support companies that are systematically destroying the environment while also destroying the dignity of their own workers. I learned how to find companies that exist not solely for profit but for greater causes. (Which is why to this day I support Patagonia.) I learned how and why to support the local economy, to severely curtail intentional exposure to negative advertising and received encouragement for riding my bike to work. I felt like in doing these things, I was living a more faithful life, and it was fun to orient everything around the goal of becoming a more responsible consumer. I woke up every day refreshed and ready to meet the world head on.<br />
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But two problems quickly emerged. First, the novelty wore off. After a while it was easier to fudge a little hear and there--so what if I forgot to recycle this or that? Was this company really that much better than that one?<br />
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And more importantly, I began to think that what I did wouldn't make any difference. I went to a Greenpeace meeting (also weird, but they had free food and it was a nice day...didn't ram any whalers though, it was in Sioux Falls) and the only thing I learned was that corporations are doing so much bad stuff to the environment that what I do doesn't matter. And the story about saving the starfish ("because it matters to this one") has lost all its romantic appeal.<br />
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As this relates to family life--I am a better dad (and husband) when I am including my family in a mission. Of course we have as a mission to follow God to the best of our ability. But unless we put flesh on that mission, it's just words. I once asked a group of seminary students to name one thing they did in the last week because they are Christians (not including attending class) and they struggled to do it. No, they utterly failed. When I am <i>actively </i>serving others and doing all those things I mentioned above, I'm a much better leader for my family.<br />
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So here's where the Buddhist monks come in. I think they got it exactly right. It doesn't matter how much "difference" you are making. But to live a faithful life means living a faithful life. It means choosing <i>something</i> and doing it/seeking it the best you can. For me, I choose to support local farmers, eat organic food, purchase fair trade items, make entertainment for myself and friends, try to avoid companies that I know are doing terrible things and so on. And just because I often fail/fall short of my own standards AND what I do doesn't seem to make a difference, I can still feel like I am caught up in something bigger than myself. I am faithfully seeking God. And I can laugh at my own futile efforts. Because I can either cry or laugh. And I'd rather laugh.<br />
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<br />DPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-87049584788770325522012-11-12T08:34:00.005-08:002012-11-12T08:34:45.978-08:00Padadise ParadoxI usually like paradoxes. This sentence is false. All 'Daves' are liars. Or as Operation Ivy quoted Socrates: "All I know is that I don't know nothin'". But there's one I don't really like. In worship we sang a song celebrating our Lord: the Prince of Peace. Then we immediately thanked our servicemen and women who are serving in the armed forces. Now, I don't mean to knock those folks--I have known quite a few and I know they have good intentions. But how do I explain to my kids: "well, yes, we worship the Prince of Peace. No, Jesus doesn't want us to kill each other. Yes, our country spends more money on our military than all the other ones...Yes, we do fight wars in other countries...Yes, Jesus wants everyone to be happy and have peace, and no, war doesn't make peace anymore than laziness makes fitness. Yes, we sell lots of weapons to other countries...Yes, well, we ARE the only country who has used an atomic bomb, we just don't think, well, Argh!" <br />
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Disclosure: I don't like war. It is a terrible thing--it is fatal for the losers and mentally and emotionally debilitating for the winners. So how do I celebrate Veteran's Day with my kids?<br />
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I'll tell you my attempt to resolve this paradox and then explain it: without condemning veterans or their families for past actions we must work for peace in the future. In other words, even if war was a viable (nope, necessary) option in the past, it is no longer so and we need to dedicate our resources not to military power but to peacemaking efforts. As I heard somewhere: if we don't kill war, it will kill us.<br />
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I. The Enlightenment promised us that objective reasoning would lead the world into a better, happier future. If that is the case, then even Enlightenment trained thinkers (which nowadays is pretty much everyone) ought to see that peace is better than war, and even that war is not a viable solution to any world problems. (Martin Luther King Jr. battled this in his life--how did he teach the way of non-violence to his followers at a time when the country was embroiled in an unjust war?) Of course we could point to the destruction of the 20th century as a failure of Enlightenment (and less-popular social Darwinism) thinking as well. It seems that objective thinking unhinged from any tradition can only convince me that everyone ELSE should be peaceful. <br />
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II. People who adhere to the Just War Tradition must realize that given the power of modern weaponry, we can never fulfill the Just War command that the force used must be proportionate to the goal and that civilian casualties must be minimized. We have seen in Iraq and elsewhere that this is no longer viable.<br />
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III. There are plenty of people who claim to be Pro-life. However, this position is exposed when we see how Pro-life coalitions only focus on saving life before birth. Why do pro-life workers not work to abolish the death penalty and war? As one commenter said: "We believe life does not begin at conception and end at birth." If we are going to be a truly 'pro-life' society, we had best remember life continues after birth. <br />
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IV. Christianity has been criticized on the one hand for perpetuating violence and on the other hand for claiming an 'unrealistic' non-violent attitude. I started thinking about these two criticisms and I realized that people who criticize (rightly) Christianity for violent actions in the past are not criticizing violence itself-they merely think (rightly again) the Church is not a legitimate war-making authority. However, I would make the case that: the State is not a legitimate war-making authority either, and moreover that <i>Christianity alone has the resources necessary for reconciliation that can make an end to all wars.</i>This is because the good God promises is free to everyone and does not have to be secured through violence. Unlike land and money and power and status, my having the good in no way reduces the ability of you to also have the good.<br />
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V. This is possible because we believe Jesus Christ died to reconcile ALL of humanity to God, regardless of the lines we humans have drawn in the sand. Reconciliation begins when we teach and model to our children the sacrificial love of Jesus that does not make distinctions between objects of love. The recent open letter from John Franklin Stephens to Ann Coulter is a prime example of: how to love a (seemingly unlovable) human being and is also a reminder of why all people have equal value. I only hope that I can respond to those with whom I disagree in such a humble, loving way as this young man.<br />
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VI. A boy once was being bullied. He asked his spiritual mentor what he should. do. The mentor said: "The bully just doesn't know how to love. You have to show him what it means to love." The boy thought for a moment and said: "Aww man, love is so hard!" This is true. Love is hard. Reconciliation is harder. But large scale, as a national policy, we have never tried love.<br />
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And so we return to parenting. If we are to have a nation that loves, we have to have communities that love and individuals who are loving. We must teach our kids to treat all human beings as humans, created in the image of God and therefore having value regardless of social status, nationality or anything else.<br />
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One way we will continue this conversation is to take our kids to All-Nations City Church this year at the beginning of December for the worldwide Christmas celebration. Reducing ignorance of other cultures is a starting point for peace. Anyone else have ideas?<br />
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Happy Veteran's Day. <br />
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PS. These are obviously short paragraphs making complex points. For further reading, I suggest: <i>War and the American Difference </i>by Stanley Hauerwas, <i>Migrations of the Holy </i>by William Cavanaugh, <i>Who is My Enemy</i> by Lee Camp and <i>Reborn on the Fourth of July </i>by Army Veteran Logan Mehl-Laituri. (In order from most difficult to easiest reads.) DPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-69258339436055179302012-11-05T18:49:00.002-08:002012-11-05T18:49:15.090-08:00Jesus loves you but I'm undecidedCan I say goodbye to my old friend: apathy?<br />
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I often seem to think that somehow, some'why', Jesus will simply take my kids and make them superstars without any help from me. It is a comforting thought that they might turn out 'ok' in spite of my parenting failures.<br />
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I recently finished <i>Jayber Crow </i>by incredible (and incredibly underrated) author Wendell Berry. (Seriously, if you haven't read Berry, you need to. Start with his essays, then his fiction makes more sense.) In one scene, Jayber, the town barber, is discussing war with a client named Troy, who is not only ruining his father's farm but is married and unfaithful to Jayber's only love. Jayber's only response to Troy's invective is to quote Scripture: "Love your enemies..." Troy gives up his argument, and Jayber (who is also the narrator) concludes with: "It would have been a great moment for Christianity except that I did not love Troy."<br />
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This discussion highlighted, for me, the ways in which what we know actually enables us to behave as if we did not know it. I mean, my daughter knows me better than just about anyone. I can't even get a joke past her because she says: "Dad, that's your joking voice," or "your eyes are smiling". If she doesn't miss that, she certainly can tell when I am less than present.<br />
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With kids it is really not a matter of whether or not we love our kids: it is a matter of how consistently we love them as much as or more than ourselves.<br />
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Working as the director of a Presbyterian camp this summer I realized how often I let my kids down. Don't get me wrong: working at camp was amazing for us as individuals, for our family, and for me professionally. But how many times did I put my kids in second or third place? How many times could I have included one or both of them in some activity but thought it would be easier to leave them at the lodge with a movie? <br />
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I guess the whole point is that we often like to remind ourselves that love is a verb, but then we live as if it is some static reality that exists whether or not we act it into being. What, however, does that look like?<br />
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To be continued...<br />
<br />DPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-42727601745436836942012-05-03T19:30:00.001-07:002012-05-03T19:30:26.446-07:00Creating WorldsHorror movies at age 6?<br />
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I was talking to some students the other day who have found themselves in trouble in one way or another. We were casually talking about movies and they all commented how much they like horror movies. I asked when they started watching them and all 4 of these kids said around kindergarten age. They said: "What's wrong with them? Why shouldn't we watch them as kids?"<br />
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Aside from my snide thought: "Well, look at you now!" I didn't really have an answer. Why shouldn't young children watch scary movies? Or should they?<br />
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As I reflected on this later I started thinking about worldviews. Does a child see the world as generally safe, a place where people love each other and take care of each other? Or does a child see the world as a place that is filled with terrifying events just waiting to happen, with people who gain joy out of torturing and murdering fellow humans? Must <i>every </i>stranger be approached as a potential madman? Is human life to be valued or destroyed?<br />
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The real world, of course, is both: a terrifying place filled with people and events that might kill us (natural disasters, viruses, reality tv) and it is a beautiful place (although not North Dakota, whose prettiest state park, Little Missouri State Park, is apparently about to become an oil field) filled with people who love us.<br />
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But is a 6 year old really ready to feel the weight of the world? Isn't there a time that all of us ought to be allowed to bask in a world that loves us? That isn't fraught with danger and anxiety, which as Kierkegaard reminds us is simply the dizziness of freedom? Perhaps limiting the freedom (gasp!) of our young ones will allow them to have a few years free of anxiety. <br />
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The issue really is what sort of world we are constructing for our kids. Of course we don't want to teach them that <i>everyone </i>is wonderful and everything will turn out ok--I already put down that fallacy in another post. (I think sheltering our kids is also unwise...Once again finding the middle, guess I'm an Aristotelian) But they will discover that on their own, eventually. What sort of world do we want our kids to live in? I hope that I can provide a stable foundation for my kids so that when they inevitably discover the destructive power of sin, they are not simply swept away into a world of despair. <br />
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Now, for fans of scary movies, I'm not really trying to pick on them in particular. There are lots of ways we create worlds for our kids; the stories we tell them are a powerful way we form our kids. I have to wonder how differently a kid sees the world when growing up seeing images of pain and darkness versus a kid who grows up seeing images of wonder and joy. <br />
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Advertising companies certainly think they can get inside our kids' heads at a young age. Do we agree? Someone once said something like: work on your interpretation of the world because your interpretation is your world. (Sounds really postmodern, but, it can't be too far off.) I hope my kids' interpretation of the world allows for love, hope and joy to be normative. God, may it be so.<br />
<br />DPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-15408602956088474032012-04-23T20:54:00.000-07:002012-04-23T20:54:42.415-07:00Unanswerable QuestionsHindsight is not 20/20. Claiming this is akin to claiming you can see the future. Do I know unequivocally that this or that decision would have led to a better future? I will grant that sometimes hindsight can be clear in negative cases, as in: I should <i>not </i>have stayed up all night watching Seinfeld reruns...Or, driving drunk on those mountain roads maybe wasn't such a good plan...(I have not done either of the above, although I did stay up all night once at All-State Jazz band to watch Office Space. Totally worth it.) Even so, let's dispense with the notion that hindsight is 20/20.<br />
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And if that is so, then how much MORE so is foresight less than perfect. This is parenting. We do not, cannot, know what effect our decisions will have on our kids in the future. This is what makes parenting so individual, aggravating, and hopeful. We all have to hope that what we are doing is best...but there is absolutely no way to know.<br />
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I have considered this from the perspective of someone who works with kids who are not my own. As a percussion instructor and soccer coach I am put in the uncomfortable position of trying to recruit kids into my programs. This is problematic for many reasons. First, it comes awfully close to viewing kids as means rather than ends. Of course I want my teams to be successful and win games/competitions. But I can never sacrifice a person's (I could use student/player/etc. here but I prefer person, as person-hood is antecedent to any other label we may or may not have) intrinsic value for the success of a program.<br />
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Second, even if we claim to want 'what's best for the kids', how do we know? Certainly we can look at statistics that show kids who are involved in stuff generally do fewer drugs and that music is good for the brain (and the soul? unmeasurable for sure but undeniable as well!) and athletics are good at keeping people healthy. But is participation or non-participation in any one activity ultimately beneficial in the life of a person?<br />
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That is an unanswerable question.<br />
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Coming at this from the perspective of a parent, one could argue: "The best we can do for our kids is give them the most and best options available," which is a very American way of viewing society as a group of individuals each seeking his/her own good, which may or not be related to the good(s) of others. I think this is woefully inadequate when we consider that we are talking about our children, however.<br />
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These thoughts make me really appreciate the new 51 movement. This movement is in response to research that shows that youth in America are essentially being systematically abandoned by the adults and support systems that are supposed to help them into adulthood. So the 51 movement is challenging adults to create systems of support for kids where every kid has 5 non-parent adults who love them with no-strings-attached. Of course in today's world it seems unwise, even reckless maybe to encourage (or even <i>allow</i>) your child to have a relationship with just about <i>any </i>adult. <br />
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So my hope, as a parent and a responsible adult, is that I can push back against the tide of systematic abandonment and viewing kids a means rather than ends. And I am calling all parents to view their kids' friends (our daughter just had a sleepover at a friend's house whom we don't know very well. I can't believe how anxious I was...how will I ever let her go away to college??) the same way: not as unmanageable threats but as kids who need to have adults care for them, no-strings-attached. <br />
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Because who knows, you just might have that opportunity to help a kid keep her head above water a little longer. There's no way to know, but we have to try.<br />
Peace,DPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-8916273019963905942012-03-28T19:10:00.000-07:002012-11-05T18:27:16.209-08:00Safer Not To Crow"It's safer, it's safer, not to crow. Never prophesy unless you know....We'll never deny you, even if we have to die". <i>Crows </i>from the Psalters album <i>Carry the Bones</i><br />
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Five months since my last post. A lot has happened in that time. Mostly, some things happened professionally that I would have rather not had experienced. This led me to begin working at VOA part time with kids whose lives are, well, not quite the American dream. <br />
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Anyway, feeling like a failure as a man didn't really inspire me to write on a parenting blog. But I've been doing some reading and some thinking and there are some things that need to be said. The above quote from the Psalters made me realize how often I have followed that 'advice' and kept my mouth shut when I should have spoken up. It got me thinking also about the lies we tell our children...<br />
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1. 'You can be whatever you want when you grow up'. Ok, that's just not true. It's something a good capitalist should believe, you know, pull yourself up with your own bootstraps. I am 5'9 and 150 pounds. I was never going to be a professional basketball player no matter how hard I tried. Some people simply aren't smart enough to become, for example, doctors. Most of us are never going to be president because we don't have enough finances to back a successful smear campaign against our rivals! Instead we should be saying: You can be WHOEVER you want to be when you grow up. You might not be the best and brightest, but the gifts God gives (aka the fruits of the Spirit, aka love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control) are available to everyone. Who you are is more important than what you are anyway.<br />
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2. 'Being a Christian will make your life better'. In the Bible horrible things happen to Christians---especially the most faithful ones. Can we dispense of the idea that God is somehow working on our behalf to help us get jobs or make money or find the right spouse? He is not helping Tim Tebow (or anyone else) win football games. If God is intervening on the earth, it is most likely in the ways Jesus did: healing the sick, feeding the hungry, declaring freedom to captives. And if God is not intervening in these ways it's because we're too busy asking Him to bless our every endeavor.<br />
This is particularly challenging with kids because who doesn't want the best for their kids? I'm willing (I think) to accept the dangers associated with following Christ, but are my kids? I suppose the only answer is to realize that the dangers of following the American dream are even greater...<br />
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3. 'Discipleship doesn't require a significant life change.' This is sort of a corollary to the first one. I think we teach this to our kids in many little ways throughout the day. Any time we give in to the American way of hoarding wealth, any time we compromise what we know to be true, whenever we put our own wants in front of others' needs, we are teaching this lesson. (I hate to say it, because I like pro soccer, but our obsession with professional sports falls in this category as well. Economically, pro sports are an abomination that we are all a part of. I mean, how can we justify paying these athletes these obscene amounts of money to do what they do? I brought this up to a student awhile back and he said: "Well, good for them {the athletes} for working hard to make that money." Have we lost all ability to think critically about economics? Go read <i>The Fear of Beggars </i>by Kelly Johnson) <br />
I remember one time in particular, I just had a discussion with a student about the type of media we listen to and why I didn't like a particular artist's work. When her dad came to pick her up, guess what was on the radio...<br />
Another time, a student told me a story about seeing a family at her church, it was a mom and several kids. The kids didn't have coats, and one of them didn't have shoes. So she took off her shoes and tried to give them to the family---but my student's mom stopped her. How often do we do this to our own kids?<br />
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4. 'Everything happens for a reason.' Sometimes that reason is that we live in a fallen world where there is pain, injustice and fear. If you want to ruin a child's theology at a young age, just tell them everything happens for a reason when her mom gets cancer or his dad goes to jail. <br />
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5. 'Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are real'. Ok, that's just for comedic relief. Although for some people it seems to be a big issue. (Come on though, bunnies don't even lay eggs.)<br />
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As I review this post it seems, well, negative and maybe schizophrenic--I don't want it to be that way. (Some people in the past have misinterpreted passion as anger...easy to do...I think Jesus was passionate, so was MLK Jr.)<br />
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But it has become clear to me that the best gift I can give my kids is to live the truth in front of them. I can display unconditional love in my life and an honest seeking of the good life that comes not at the expense of others but with others as my companions. Our world has become so dizzyingly complex that it is almost impossible to live a life of integrity. I can only hope to show my kids what I hope to be a faithful lifestyle.<br />
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"If I am crazy, it's because I refuse to be crazy in the same way that the world has gone crazy." Peter Maurin<br />
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Go. Be. Crazy. Your kids need you to be. Just not in the same way the world is crazy.DPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-21628932306979495232011-10-12T12:48:00.000-07:002011-10-12T12:48:36.859-07:00Demons and DevilsWhat's the worst thing that happened to you ever on Halloween? Demonic possession? Tripped on a black cat under a ladder? Saw a ghost? The worst thing that happened to me was when I dressed up as a wizard with a long cape. It was raining so my hair was dripping down over my face and some lady said to my older brother: "Oh, what a cute sister you have!" <br />
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There seem to be 3 Camps that followers of the Way fall into regarding Halloween:<br />
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1. Halloween is a day celebrating death and demons and Satan. Therefore, Christians should not participate or allow their kids to participate. This will be called Camp Rejection. <br />
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2. Halloween is just a cultural construct--we just dress up for fun and there is no deeper meaning. My kids can be puppy dogs or witches or cheerleaders (SCARY!) for a day, it won't affect their souls. In fact, I just read a book about a guy who tried to find Satan and couldn't so how bad can it be to put on red horns and carry a pitchfork? (<i>The Devil Wears Nada, </i>by Tripp York. Read it if you dare, it's funny but it will probably offend you more than once. Especially if you know any Unitarians.)This we can call Camp Meaningless. <br />
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3. Halloween is essentially evil, but as long as we don't ACTUALLY worship the dead or summon spirits we're ok. So our kids can dress up for Halloween as long as they dress up as harmless things like mice or kittens or maybe superheroes. This way, we aren't being 'weird' because we're still letting our kids celebrate the holiday, but we're still being faithful because, well, demons are evil. We could call this Camp Middle Ground.<br />
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People who know me would probably realize I most likely won't fit into any of the three camps. I would rather reject Halloween <i>because </i>it is a cultural construct that has no real meaning--sort of like how we don't celebrate Valentine's (i.e. Hallmark or be guilty if you're single. Btw, no one knows if a St. Valentine really existed, and if he did he was a martyr, probably killed in a gruesome way. Here's some flowers and chocolates to celebrate...Maybe we should dress up as dead St. Valentine for Halloween?) day. But I let my kids participate, largely because I like sharing their candy afterwards.<br />
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So the bigger question here (there's always a bigger question with me) is: is what I do normative? In other words, if I do this as a Christian am I claiming that all Christians everywhere have to do the same thing? People in Camp Rejection would have to argue that everyone who participates in Halloween is following some Satanic ritual--which would obviously be hard to prove. Meaningless campers run the risk of offending those in Camp Rejection, whom they no doubt believe to be 'weak minded believers' like Paul describes. The people in Middle Ground Camp just come across as epistemologically weak. I threw in a big word there. Epistemology is the study of knowledge. People in the middle ground seem to be admitting they really don't know why they do what they do but they want to do the 'right' thing.<br />
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So the bottom line, the point I'm trying to make, is that I think what we do with our kids at Halloween shouldn't be seen as normative. The more important thing is that we are engaging with our kids and explaining why we believe what we believe. I think we can use days like Halloween as opportunities for discipleship with our kids. Maybe it's even a time to engage in some critical thinking exercises with your young ones and ask them whether or not they think they should participate. What are the pros and cons? What does the Bible seem to say? What Would Jesus Do? (Ok, just kidding on that one. We have no idea what He would do.)<br />
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I think our kids would come up with more creative responses than the three camps listed above. After all, in order to enter the Kingdom we have to become like them...And please, our actions are not normative so let's not judge our brothers and sisters on this one.<br />
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Peace,<br />
DPDPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-37171952914050436342011-09-22T07:15:00.000-07:002011-09-22T07:15:13.018-07:00What they already knewOn vacation this summer we listened to several books on CD in the car. One of them was C.S. Lewis' classic: <i>The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. </i>At first Natalie, who was 5 at the time, enjoyed it. But then it got scary and she wanted to turn it off. Then she was too absorbed in the story to turn it off--she wanted to know that Lucy would be ok. Then she almost cried when Aslan died and when he came back to life she said:<br />
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"He's just like Jesus." It was unsolicited. We did not say anything about Jesus the whole time we heard the story. <i>She </i>made the connection. I do not tell this story to extol the virtues of <i>my </i>child. I say it to extol the virtues of <i>all </i>children and even more so of storytelling.<br />
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Ancient people knew all about telling stories. That's why the Old Testament exists today: they passed down stories, verbatim, from one generation to the next. They understood the value of teaching stories to their kids. They spoke of a God who <i>acts </i>in the real world. He is a character in the stories. He is the one who brings plagues on Egypt and takes the people into the desert and He <i>is </i>a pillar of fire and He <i>is </i>a burning bush. Theologian Stanley Hauerwas says that the best way to speak of God is in fact in story. (And I think he is right.)<br />
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Aside: For now I will neglect the obvious benefits of the actual telling of the stories..."Grandpa, can you tell the part again where Jesus feeds 5 million people?" "You mean 5,000? Well, they were all on the side of a mountain see, and...."<br />
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In the postmodern West we also tell stories. Well, we watch stories. Our stories are as much about presentation as content. If God is involved He usually makes an appearance in the 'moral' of the story--not as a character but as some disembodied cosmic genie. The stories we like, from TV and movies most often, do not have as virtues truth and substance, but rather shock value and of course a clean resolution every 30 minutes.<br />
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This is only the beginning of a discussion on the importance of stories for our children. Walter Brueggemann puts it like this: "How can we find ways of linking the big picture of the Gospel story with the immediate experiences of the child's daily life?" Clearly young children can make connections between stories, as Natalie did with Aslan and Jesus. Can they make connections between their <i>own </i>story and Jesus? Can we give them the tools to do so?<br />
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To be continued...DPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-68216836264397634292011-08-24T13:05:00.000-07:002011-08-24T13:05:06.098-07:00Pandora's BoxProverbs 13:24: "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."<br />
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There it is: one of the most controversial statements in the Old Testament. (Right behind "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth".)<br />
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Interestingly, the OT is full of people who are successful in some way yet their kids run wild: King David and Eli are the first 2 that come to mind. But it certainly seems like the Hebrew Scriptures don't contain much good parenting material. But here it is: Don't spare the rod.<br />
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Of course there are scholarly debates about what this means exactly. Does he literally mean a 'rod', like something you would hit your son with? What were ancient rods like? Can I find one on Ebay? Are they in the toddler section? Do I have to upgrade to a preteen rod at some point? Or was that an idiom simply meaning 'discipline' (as suggested by the second half of the saying.)<br />
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Then there are a plethora of studies trying to link spanking children with violent behavior in later childhood all the way to adulthood. They are not, as a whole, completely convincing, mostly falling prey to the 'correlation vs. causation' distinction and/or the presence of numerous secondary factors. So what are we to make of this?<br />
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I thought about this yesterday when I was very angry at one of my children. My first two thoughts were: A: This is not entirely his fault, I could have been in a better mood to begin with; and B: if I were to hit him it would be simply to placate my own anger, rather than discipline him. (PS I was not seriously considering hitting him, but even in my frustrated state I took the time to reflect. I know, I'm weird like that. It's like a story I heard in a Brennan Manning book about a man being chased by people trying to kill him. The man jumps off a cliff and grabs onto a bush at the last second that happens to have strawberries on it. Hanging from the cliff with the potential killers above him he takes a bite of a strawberry and thinks: "That's the best strawberry I've ever tasted"...Yeah, I'm like that guy.)<br />
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I have in fact gotten into this argument with other believers before because I have never spanked my kids. I just don't see any Scriptural justification for it. This is besides raising the question I did earlier--at what point does it stop being about their discipline and start becoming about our anger? This is a classic threshold argument. What behaviors deserve spanking? When is my heart-rate too high for me to begin spanking my child? What criterion can we objectively employ to make this choice in a morally satisfying way? Additionally, it raises the question of my own sinfulness. If I were to spank in anger, would that not be rather sinful?<br />
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I could take it a step further and apply just war theories to spanking, but for the sake of my audience let's not go that far. Essentially, I believe that redemptive violence is a myth (the death penalty, for example, works insofar as it prevents a criminal from committing anymore crimes. But morally it is bankrupt--and it has not been shown to be a deterrent to other criminals. Notice how in Genesis God tries to stop this cycle of violence by PROTECTING Cain after he murders his brother...I don't have space to go into this here, but if you are interested read "The War of the Lamb" or "What Would You Do?" by John Howard Yoder.) So if redemptive violence is a myth on a large scale, why would it be effective on a small scale? Certainly it can work inasmuch as it can temporarily change behavior. But it does not help us make connections, and it leaves the door open for future bad behavior because at the concept of violence itself is not challenged. <br />
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I've heard the phrase: "Violence is for a world that has lost its imagination". And I think the same is essentially true for spanking. Coming up with a punishment that fits the crime is psychologically effective and is morally defensible. For example, one day (some time ago) Natalie hit me with some toy she had. I simply took the toy and threw it in the trash. Lesson learned, and one fewer toy cluttering my house.<br />
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So my case is not that people who spank their children are evil or bad parents. I am also not making the case that kids who were spanked are more violent than those who weren't. Rather, I am simply explaining how I came to my decision not to spank my children. I believe it can be argued coherently from a Christian perspective. It also gives more integrity to my authority when I say: "Just because he hits you, it's NOT OK to hit him back!"<br />
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Peace and love,<br />
DP<br />
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PS> Please, if you are not convinced disagree gently...spare me the literal rod :)DPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-46149351398401715332011-08-12T12:11:00.000-07:002011-08-12T12:11:56.535-07:00Making MemoriesSo one of the things I've done in the last 2 months (since last writing) was go on vacation. Two adults, two kids, one car, 3,000 mile round trip.<br />
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What is your first reaction? Is it something like: 'You're crazy!', or is it more like 'I can't wait to do that with MY kids!'?<br />
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Actually my kids were amazing. My wife was on the phone and I was driving when the trip mile counter passed 1,000. The kids were in the backseat laughing with each other. It's hard to ask more of them than that! So anyway, the discipline part of the trip was pretty easy. I'm not going to write about how to pacify kids on a road trip. <br />
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The more important question that comes up, at least in my mind, regards how important experiences like this are. I have memories I will take with me from this vacation: having to dive under a wave with Natalie on my shoulders then miraculously finding her sunglasses in the ocean over a minute later, listening to a master storyteller at the local library, listening to the 4 cousins on the baby monitor as they pretended to sleep, Jonah getting really excited about gas stations and hotels...and many others.<br />
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But will my kids remember any of it? What is the biggest benefit of going on a trip like this with them?<br />
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I would suspect that most people would say it is quality time with our children and even if they don't remember it per se they are still bonding with us and their quality of life increased. <br />
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In fact, as I think about it, I think these events become an integral part of the fabric of who we are as a family. We know who we are as a family because of the stories we share together. The things we do as a family end up defining us. It's not altogether different from how they used to talk about God in the Old Testament. They always emphasize His actions: "The God of our fathers, who brought us out of Egypt..."<br />
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In the end, we do the same thing with our families. When we get together with our grown brothers and parents we retell the same old stories over and over--not because we don't know them but because that's where our identity comes from. ('Hey, do you remember that one time when we set off the alarm at grandpa's house in our swimsuits?' 'Or how about when your brother got stung by a bee rolling down that hill?') We are a family because we have a shared narrative that gives depth to who we are.<br />
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If we are not focusing on creating memories with our children, we are failing to give them this gift. If we are not giving opportunities to actually SHARE life together with them we will lose this extremely important part of what it means to be a family. I sincerely hope that when my kids get older they don't think: "Dad was gone all the time working" or "my childhood was so boring..." I hope they get together as adults and retell the stories of our family. Their individual identities will be better formed, paradoxically, by the events and stories they share with the whole family. These stories are a far more important gift than anything material I could give them.<br />
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Peace,<br />
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DPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-74995524069681887982011-05-23T20:19:00.000-07:002011-05-23T20:19:45.993-07:00We can't all win the super bowlThis'll be a short one.<br />
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How many of us would start a job without training? How many of us would go skydiving without asking advice from someone who has done it before? How many of us would go drive our cars if we didn't know our mechanic knew more about cars than we do?<br />
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Of course none of us do these things. But we dive into parenting (which is more important and perilous than any of those other things) with only our own experience to guide us. Yes, it is true that we were all kids once. We all had (some sort of) parents. That doesn't qualify us to be parents any more than watching the Super Bowl qualifies me to be a quarterback.<br />
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(I am reminded of a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip where Calvin asks his dad what lightning is or how they build bridges or something, and his dad gives him some made-up ridiculous answer. Calvin says something like: "There aren't many requirements for being a dad, are there?")<br />
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There are several problems with this.<br />
1. Our parents didn't do a perfect job. (Some maybe came close, some not so much). And even if they were perfect, we are not perfect receptors.<br />
2. We are not our parents. (We may not be as smart, patient, etc. as they were. Or maybe we are smarter, and they gave us a bad example.) <br />
3. We are not living in the same culture as when we were kids.(Some challenges are the same, some are new. When I was a kid, my parents didn't have to worry about me looking at porn on the internet or meeting girls on Facebook. Now we do have to deal with these things--the nature of kids is the same, the prevalence of temptation is, in many cases, greater.) <br />
4. Like anything else, if we neglect those who have gone before us, we are asking to repeat the mistakes of the past.<br />
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I know this sounds like an ad. for this blog. It's not. I merely want to make us aware that we all need to approach our status as parents with humility, grace, and a little humor.<br />
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I am often convicted of this when Natalie says: "Dad, you always...(forget, leave, are mean, tickle me too hard, ignore me, etc...) Our culture is such that offering parenting advice (or even thoughts) is taboo. And this even among Christians! As Christians we admit our sinful nature and our need for each other. I hope we can somehow create a new culture (right under the nose of the other one!) where it's ok to admit our shortcomings as parents and explore together what it means to be a Christian first and a parent second.<br />
Peace hope and love,<br />
DPDPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-45409719931353882962011-05-04T07:35:00.000-07:002011-05-04T07:35:44.578-07:00I'm not big enoughDoes the Church exist to strengthen the family?<br />
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With multiple Christian organizations preaching this message constantly, most of us accept this as a given. The Church helps our families become stronger. It is the Church's responsibility to protect the sanctity of marriage and of families. And of course here we are speaking of 'the nuclear family'-mom, dad, 2.3 kids. Many Christian colleges have an unwritten expectation that their students will be married when they graduate: There's the proverbial 'senior scramble' and sayings like: "Our college is a shoe store--you come in alone and they box you up and send you out as a pair!" or "Ring by spring!".<br />
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But...Jesus (and Paul) didn't talk like that. <br />
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Jesus said things like: "Who are my mother and brothers? And stretching out his hand toward his disciples he said: "Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven, those are my mother and brothers and sisters."<br />
ALSO:<br />
<span class="search-term-2">"And</span> everyone who has left houses or <span class="search-term-3">brothers</span> or sisters or father or <span class="search-term-1">mother</span> or children or l<span class="search-term-2">and</span>s, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold<span class="footnote"></span> <span class="search-term-2">and</span> will inherit eternal life."<br />
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I think our mistake is this: We hold up marriage, and thus families, as good for their own sake. But they aren't. That is far too narrow a view. What if families exist to strengthen the Church? What if they are little microcosms of the Church, and are only really fulfilling their purpose as they serve the Church? What does this have to do with how we are parents?<br />
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First, once we have the big picture in mind, we become less self-focused and more ready to share our gifts (like children) with the Church. In other words, our goals become something bigger than ourselves--and that gives purpose and meaning to everything we do. Without the hope of something beyond ourselves...well then what is the point? (If nothing else, we are encouraged by the knowledge that there are others facing the same challenges we are.) <br />
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Second, this also means that we are parents to all the children of the Church and they are parents to ours. Certainly the Shema still stands as the central parenting message of the Bible. But all the kids running around, whether they're 'mine' or not, are all part of my huge, beautiful, dysfunctional family. <br />
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Third, families that are strong make the Church stronger. As a healthy hand or foot of thyroid gland is good for the whole body, a healthy family builds up the body. They are able to offer themselves more fully to the body. A healthy family is one in which each member depends on the others to do things s/he cannot do alone. Just as marriage is the adventure by which two become one through interdependence, so a nuclear family becomes one with the body. (Remember: "Whoever does the will...these are my mother and brothers and sisters.") <br />
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There are plenty more things that could be written here, but I think I will leave you with a quote from the ever-wise Samuel Wells. "When Christians are invited to join public discussions over issues...they do so as representatives of a body that <b>adopts the unwanted baby</b>, <b>nurtures the unusual child</b>, <b>persists with the manic or addicted teenager</b>, befriends the terminally ill neighbor, remains present to the elderly friend even while her mind dies. If they can point to such a cloud of witnesses they speak with authority: if not, they have perhaps little to say." (Highlighting added by me)<br />
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It turns out our vocation as Parents influences everything we think and say and do.<br />
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Peace,<br />
DPDPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-35334703107059715662011-04-23T19:12:00.000-07:002011-04-23T19:12:34.578-07:00How you party says a lot about you.One of Natalie's Kindergarten friends has been inviting her to his birthday party since the year started. Finally his birthday came and she, with great excitement, attended the party.<br />
In my opinion, the party was a monumental failure.<br />
It was at a local pizza place/arcade establishment. (I won't say the name, but you can probably guess. If they really wanted to make it fun, they would make you buy pizza with the tickets you win at the games..."Sorry, 200 tickets only gets cheese and sauce, no crust for you!")<br />
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Now, I have to say that, as a believer, having parties at places like this is giving the opposite message than the one we are trying to pass on to our children. (I don't know if Natalie's friend's parents are believers or not, so they're off the hook :) ) P.S. The following may sound like a rant, but it is more like the detached amazement you feel right after doing something clumsy like falling down a staircase.<br />
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First, when we got in there, it took us several minutes to even find the correct party--which leads me to the first issue: it was impersonal. Soren Kierkegaard, everyone's favorite Danish philosopher, once wrote: "What is official is impersonal, and being impersonal is the greatest insult that can be paid a person." Like usual, I think he's right. The party wasn't about the KIDS, it was about the NOVELTY. It was about the games and the coins and the noise. When this boy opened presents, there were so many and it was so loud he actually missed Natalie's present. When I went to pick her up I got there early only to find her standing by the door waiting. She said she had been there for a while because someone told her the party was over. It wasn't--they hadn't even had the cake yet!! So at least we were able to go back and get a cupcake...<br />
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Second, places like this are really encouraging unhealthy consumption. All the kids received tokens they could use to play games (including the American classic: Deal or No Deal...I wonder what someone from a poor country would think watching that show...) to win tickets to get prizes. This in turn encourages selfishness and, once again, no recognition of the 'other'. I was playing ski-ball with Natalie at one point and I turned to look at the tickets. By the time I had turned back another kid had actually jumped in front of me on the game I was playing. I said: "I was using that, can you say 'excuse me' please?" He looked at me like I was from another planet. (Maybe I am). On the way home Natalie was looking at one of her prizes (an aptly named: 'Airhead') and she said: "This was free!" Actually, I cringed to think of how much was spent on that party! It did take me a while to explain how that airhead was not, in fact, free.<br />
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Anyway, the point is: what do our celebrations say about us? As Christians can we come up with birthday celebrations that not only honor the birthday kid but also those coming to the party? Can we have celebrations that reflect our belief in a God who gives us all we need and loves us where we are? Or do our celebrations always have to involve greasy food, loud noises and overzealous child gambling? I'm not saying arcades are evil--but I think we can do better with a little imagination.<br />
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For example, Natalie's last birthday was held at the outdoor campus. It was free and (mostly) outdoors. Each kid was greeted by name at the door made his/her own trail mix using various ingredients we brought. We did an outdoor peanut hunt (after asking about allergies, of course) on some trails, and then came inside where a naturalist was ready to teach us about some animals and even let the kids touch a few of them-the turtle, with its *frightening* speed, was admittedly a little scary for some of the young ones. The party ended with a gift exchange: each kid brought one gift and exchanged it with another so everyone went home with one gift. This way Natalie didn't get a bunch of stuff she didn't need and all the kids felt important and loved. <br />
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How well do your parties reflect your God?<br />
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Peace, hope and love,<br />
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DPDPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3173310534718084710.post-14674376996575722011-04-07T07:44:00.000-07:002011-04-07T07:44:21.795-07:00What kind of story have we got ourselves into?I apologize in advance. I think blogging is generally selfish...but in this instance I hope that we can have some dialogue about parenting. So it's not for me.(Please write some comments...community, community, community)<br />
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If we are going to talk about parenting then we have to talk about kids. And if we're going to talk about kids then we have to talk about the reasons why we have kids. An author I was just reading said that we have lost sufficient reasons in our society for having kids. And we have lost reasons for not having kids as well--which puts us in a pretty precarious place if he's right.<br />
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Please allow a brief digression into philosophy. (I know, I just about ensured no one will read the whole post...I dare you to...) There are at least 2 kinds of reasons for doing something: explanations and justifications. A quick example illustrates: Lancelot organizes a movement to save the Rainforest because he thinks Guinevere loves the rainforest and he will earn her love by doing so. So the explanation for what he does is that he wants to win her love. But as it turns out, she couldn't care less about the rainforest. So he is wrong, and thus has no justification. Now of course we know saving the rainforest is a good thing (for the sake of argument) and so he is justified anyway even though that reason (saving the rainforest is the right thing to do) doesn't explain why he did it.<br />
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Now to parents: do we have good justification, as Christians, for having kids? Things like: "I've always wanted to", "I don't want to be lonely", "I just love kids," are explanations but not justifications. Christianly speaking, even reasons like: "I want to keep my family legacy going" are a bit of a stretch since they're a bit self-centered, aren't they? How about: "The birth control didn't work". Ha, we've been there. (Clearly and explanation, not a justification.) Luckily, God has bigger plans for our kids than we do.<br />
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What if our justification for having kids lies more in our desire to tell them the Christian story? What if we see our children as receivers of a great tradition that witnesses to the truth of Jesus Christ and God's loving, creative action in the world? Of course that challenges how we see ourselves, but if you have kids and they haven't made you question yourself then you're way further along the journey than I am!<br />
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So if our kids are to be receivers of this beautiful gift, how are they going to get it? How does that impact our parenting decisions? If I had all the answers I'd write a book, not a blog, but I can reflect on my own situation...<br />
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It is important for us that Natalie and Jonah begin to see the bigger picture early. They, as we, are part of the larger story of creation, sin and redemption that began in Genesis. The Scriptures are not just to be read, they are to be acted out, generation after generation. We want our kids to see us doing that, and join us in it.<br />
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That's why Allison stays home right now. As a sole income-getter, I only make enough to get us on the 'free & reduced lunch' list at the public school. But our ability to spend time teaching and modeling Scripture for the kids is more important than our financial comfort. And spending time in community with others is an important witness to teach them that we depend on each other in the church--individualism is a huge scam (it is learned in community, I mean come on). So we try to practice hospitality to everyone. We learn more by sacrifice than we do in our illusions of safety.<br />
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There truly is nothing new under the sun. But we don't need new things--we have a long tradition to continue acting out in our lives. And that's way more exciting and fun than the modern idea, which is: "To each his own".It's why we answer questions with: "That might be good enough for other kids, but not for you. We're Christians. That's why Christmas is about giving. That's why it doesn't matter if you have new fashions or cool shoes and it's ok for people to think it's weird that you pray during share time and don't know what Nickelodeon is and you've never seen Hannah Montana except on backpacks at school. That's why we forgive each other and try to love the mean kids at school even if it's hard. It's who we are." <br />
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Why do Christians have kids? How does that impact how we raise them? How do we combat the individualism that has been a staple of our societies for 300 years? How hard is it to juggle the Christian way amid all the competing truth claims we hear?<br />
Keep seeking in peace, hope and love,<br />
DPDPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10941809316841728632noreply@blogger.com4